I have heard people helpers, those who don’t understand abuse, justify their lack of involvement because they weren’t asked. You might have just rolled your eyes. If you did, I see that–hold on and let me explain for those at the back of crowd why a person experiencing abuse may not ask for help.

• She has been punished or conditioned not to ask. Perhaps she grew up in a home where children’s needs and desires were not acknowledged. If that’s the case, she is protecting herself from disappointment, dismissal, and hurt. Again.
• She is currently in an environment where she is objectified. She exists to serve her husband. She is not allowed needs, let alone preferences, of her own. If she asks she will be mocked, or, worse, “taught a lesson.”
  
• She understands that if she shares how her husband treats her in private, he will outright deny, justify, or excuse it and others will believe him. How does she know? She’s tried. And she’s not wrong.
  
• She has been told that this is not “real” abuse. “Real” abuse is really really bad and results in weekly bruises, welts, and beatings. That is not true. But if those listening don’t know and she doesn’t know, she has no reason to cry out for help.
  
• If/When she reached out for help and if/when others addressed her husband, he turned up the heat at home. She has vowed to “never, ever, under any circumstances” do that again.

Some individuals who read their Bibles will recall or want to apply Deuteronomy 22:23-27 which contrasts a woman crying out in town vs. in the country when she is violated. They may counter that if she doesn’t “cry out” she is guilty, therefore she is not worthy of help. Or, on the soft side, they say that if she doesn’t cry out, there’s nothing they can do. The fact that the Bible says, “only the man who has done this shall die” (v. 25) gets lost in translation. Instead, this passage is used out of context to say, “If a woman doesn’t cry out–doesn’t come to us–we can’t help her.”

The addendum to that type of thinking is that a woman who is suffering unjustly will share everything. If it is true, her abuser will fess up and the situation will resolve itself. Note to the reader: both of these premises are false. She can not and will not tell you everything because:

• You have a preconceived idea of marriage. If you believe she has the ability to make certain things happen and not make other things happen, you will not believe her.
  
• You likely have a preconceived idea of her husband. You cannot conceive of him doing or saying the things she is accusing him of.
  
• You do not realize that she is physically unable to tell you the worst of what has happened or is happening because God has created our brains to shut down and our bodies to go into survival mode under threat or danger. She cannot put into words, let alone say out loud, the things that would make you cringe and move to provide immediate help.
  
• You then tell her you need witnesses; you need to hear his side of the story. He will tell you whatever (!) he thinks you will believe to convince you he is justified, she is crazy, unreasonable, dramatic, promiscuous, unsubmissive, nagging, difficult, disrespectful, etc. and he will “take care of it.”
• After he learns that she spilled the beans, there will be incredibly painful punishment, increased isolation, withdrawal of privileges, mocking, scorning. She will be given direct, implicit descriptions of what he will do to her if she “ever” does that again. This may include Scripture and added guilt, shame, etc. for not being a submissive, respectful wife along with pressure to be an example, to be a godly wife, to show other women (or their children) how it’s done–and how everyone else’ wife does.
• She has now lost any trust in or ability to reconnect with the people she shared with. They do not believe her, her husband has twisted and connived and gained their complicity; she will not and can not risk telling them more or going to them for help.
  
• These individuals say, “There’s nothing we can do. If it was still happening or there was a problem, she would come to us. So there’s obviously not a problem.”
  
• She becomes more and more isolated. She has no one. Her perpetrator grows in power and influence. He has proven he is omnipotent and unstoppable. He has eyes everywhere (often using surveillance and other people who inform him); he is omniscient. She is a bird in a gilded (or not so gilded) cage.

Still people wonder, “Why she doesn’t ask for help?” or they think the issue has been addressed and put to rest. They are (whew!) off the hook. There’s nothing they can do because she didn’t “cry out” and ask for help, so they are excused from further involvement. Nothing is further from the truth.

If, however, by God’s grace, you decide to investigate further, here are some realistic expectations:

• Understand that she will not, can not, tell you everything. You will get a small sliver. It is hard to know whom to trust. She will give you breadcrumbs and watch how you handle them. Also, the reality of the situation is not likely to come to the surface until months or years later if she receives help and is able to put words to the worst of her suffering.
  
• If/When you take her seriously and offer to help, you must guard her information and hold it close to your chest. Once the abuser knows that you know, he will manipulate, coerce, and make threats–anything to stay in the driver’s seat and work the outcome to his benefit.
• This means that, if you tell him no, you can expect to receive the same treatment his wife gets. It may look different, but get ready. His words and actions will probably knock your socks off.
• An abuser’s response does not determine whether or not you are doing the right thing. God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble (Js. 4; 1 Peter 5). When you represent Jesus, you will do the same regardless of the outcome.
  
• You will need help. Seek out Chris Moles at PeaceWorks, Protect the Flock at Called to Peace Ministries or Light in the Darkness from Clarity in Action Ministries.

Be on guard for yourselves and for all the flock of which the Holy Spirit has appointed you as overseers, to shepherd the church of God,^[g] which he purchased with his own blood. ²⁹ I know that after my departure savage wolves will come in among you, not sparing the flock. ³⁰ Men will rise up even from your own number and distort the truth to lure the disciples into following them. ³¹ Therefore be on the alert, remembering that night and day for three years I never stopped warning each one of you with tears.

³² “And now I commit you to God and to the word of his grace, which is able to build you up and to give you an inheritance among all who are sanctified. ³³ I have not coveted anyone’s silver or gold or clothing. ³⁴ You yourselves know that I worked with my own hands to support myself and those who are with me. ³⁵ In every way I’ve shown you that it is necessary to help the weak by laboring like this and to remember the words of the Lord Jesus, because he said, ‘It is more blessed to give than to receive.’” (Acts 20:28-35, emphasis added)