If one individual is more concerned about restoring their marriage than another, there's probably something wrong. That doesn't mean I'm against marriage, or obedience, or loving God and my neighbor. But when someone wants to "restore" a relationship, here are questions that come to mind: Is this a mutual concern? If it's one-sided, wisdom dictates … Continue reading Restoration or Reconciliation?
abuse
Persecution vs. Abuse
"...your perseverance and faith in the midst of all your persecutions and afflictions...is a plain indication of God's righteous judgment so that you will be considered worthy of the kingdom of God, for which indeed you are suffering." (2 Thessalonians 1:4-5) Some godly individuals overlook domestic abuse because they see it as an affliction that … Continue reading Persecution vs. Abuse
Mirror, Mirror on the Wall
Much like a mirror, we view life through our eyes--looking out from the inside. Even when we think we're looking in, we're looking at ourselves through ourselves. For that reason, none of us is objective. That's why the Word of God and the people of God are vital. An abuser sees the victim as an … Continue reading Mirror, Mirror on the Wall
Two Sides to Every Story
Proverbs 18:17 says, "The first to plead his case seems right, Until another comes and examines him." Those who help individuals settle disputes and live at peace depend on this principle. In most people situations, this works. But a proverb is a proverb, not a promise--it's true most of the time, given the right circumstances. This … Continue reading Two Sides to Every Story
Moon and Sun
Nature reflects God's eternal nature and glory--none of us would deny it. And just as the moon reflects the light of the sun, we are created to reflect the light of God. Unfortunately, many of us think we're stars. Abusive individuals are like that. In longing for adoration and approval from some, they put selfish, … Continue reading Moon and Sun
Loss
Abuse brings its own sense of grief and loss as a result of repeatedly dashed expectations, pain, betrayal, and manipulation ("How did that happen...again?!). Accepting the truth of one's abuse results in a whole different type of loss. To come to the realization that the person who says, "I love you,"--who excuses behavior because of … Continue reading Loss
Tells
If you've watched detective shows or read crime stories, you know a "tell" is a quirk or mannerism that demonstrates and individual is lying. Although abuse is characterized by secrecy, here are some things to look for in a friend or family member that, collectively, may indicate an abusive relationship: The word, "just" is overused: … Continue reading Tells
Repentance
Those who use power and control as weapons use them well. Think of hand-to-hand combatants in the movies: Matt Damon, Keanu Reeves, Jackie Chan, Bruce Lee. That's an abuser in a nutshell. It's what you're up against--what victims of abuse experience--only it isn't one scene and it's not a movie. It's real life. Over. And … Continue reading Repentance
The Face of Evil
Two men were having a conversation and one was recounting an abusive relationship. "You mean he actually thinks about it?" one asked. "I know," said the other. "And it gets worse." In writing the book, Sanctuary, I was aware of the fact that many pastors, leaders, and churched men struggle to address abuse in marriage because of … Continue reading The Face of Evil
The Nunya Zone
As you work through how to respond to an abusive husband, it is important to understand the Nunya Zone. It is discussed in more detail throughout the book, Sanctuary, but not by that name. Nunya is a term I use regularly in counseling sessions that refers to those things that are not my responsibility, as in … Continue reading The Nunya Zone
