"It can't be!" "It's not possible." These are natural responses when a victim discloses the truth, especially to mutual friends and family members. We want to think people know better, that the abuser has a conscience, that no one would knowingly treat a loved one with cruelty and contempt. That's simply not true. The noetic effect … Continue reading The Conscience and Domestic Abuse
Helpers
Loss
Abuse brings its own sense of grief and loss as a result of repeatedly dashed expectations, pain, betrayal, and manipulation ("How did that happen...again?!). Accepting the truth of one's abuse results in a whole different type of loss. To come to the realization that the person who says, "I love you,"--who excuses behavior because of … Continue reading Loss
Don’t Rush It!
Christians, biblical counselors, pastors, Bible study leaders--we are quick to rush to perceived biblical solutions because it seems obvious--it's what we know. In the case of domestic abuse (or any abuse), it is much easier to tell a victim to forgive than it is to listen to, wrestle with, and endure suffering with her. Forgiveness … Continue reading Don’t Rush It!
The Nunya Zone
As you work through how to respond to an abusive husband, it is important to understand the Nunya Zone. It is discussed in more detail throughout the book, Sanctuary, but not by that name. Nunya is a term I use regularly in counseling sessions that refers to those things that are not my responsibility, as in … Continue reading The Nunya Zone
Submissive Equality
Somehow we've gotten the idea that submission in marriage means everything. If a husband is displeased, it's because his wife isn't submitting. If the marriage is struggling, it's because she's not submitting "in everything." There a mistaken understanding that, because marriage represents Christ and the Church, the husband (representing Christ) is right and the wife … Continue reading Submissive Equality
Why Address Sin?
"If a woman is not to blame for her abuse, aren't you finger-pointing and blaming the victim to talk about her sin?" When a woman comes to a pastor, biblical counselor, or older woman for help, the last thing that should be addressed is her sin. Literally. The last thing. Her primary need is practical … Continue reading Why Address Sin?
Forgiveness without Reconciliation pt. 2
Forgiveness is costly. When Jesus prayed, "Father, forgive them, for they know not what they are doing," He was not providing a blanket forgiveness. He was petitioning His Father, willing to pay the price for their sin against Him. In the same way, Jesus took the punishment of my sin so I wouldn't have to. … Continue reading Forgiveness without Reconciliation pt. 2
Why the Term, “Victim?”
Using the word "victim" to describe an individual experiencing domestic abuse is, perhaps, a bit archaic. Old-fashioned. Politically incorrect. Or is it? The choice of the word is intentional and sets itself up for discussion. What word would you use? Secular society chooses the word, "survivor." The idea is that anyone who has suffered abuse … Continue reading Why the Term, “Victim?”
Unjust Suffering
We are all familiar with suffering the consequences of making a poor decision. Children refuse to wear the clothing their parents tell them to and suffer as a result. We like to think that those who cheat, lie, steal, and hurt others will suffer the consequences of their behavior, but we don't always see it. … Continue reading Unjust Suffering
Where to Start?
Perhaps you've stopped in out of curiosity. You may be a family member, friend, or confused church leader/member. I've been that person--the one looking for help and trying to catch up to mile marker 402 for someone in need when I'm at mile marker 19....
Seeking Sanctuary 