Category: Helpers

Don’t Rush It!

Christians, biblical counselors, pastors, Bible study leaders–we are quick to rush to  perceived biblical solutions because it seems obvious–it’s what we know. In the case of domestic abuse (or any abuse), it is much easier to tell a victim to forgive than it is to listen to, wrestle with, and endure suffering with her. Forgiveness seems so obvious–and we know it’s right. But in pushing forgiveness to quickly, we fail to minister the Word and serve the wounded and hurting well. Although we blame the secular world for addressing symptoms instead of heart issues, in our rush for godliness (and relief), we can be guilty of the same.

1-postabortion20counseling

One of the things God’s Word does is define right and wrong. In a personal way, God’s Word says, “That was wrong. You can’t fix it, but God can. You need Jesus.” In a similar way, we can help those suffering at the hands of others to say, “That was/is wrong. You can’t fix it, but God can and God will.” To throw a blanket of forgiveness over sin without identifying it is not biblical.

Jesus’ died for specific sins that are listed and defined throughout His Word. God doesn’t leave them to our imagination:

  • evil thoughts, murders, adulteries, fornications, thefts, false witness, slanders (Matthew 15:19),
  • immorality, impurity, sensuality, idolatry, sorcery, enmities, strife, jealousy, outbursts of anger, disputes, dissensions, factions, envying, drunkenness, carousing, and things like these (Galatians 5:19-21),
  • lovers of self, lovers of money, boastful, arrogant, revilers, disobedient to parents, ungrateful, unholy, unloving, irreconcilable, malicious gossips, without self-control, brutal, haters of good, treacherous, reckless, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, holding to a form of godliness, although they have denied its power; Avoid such men as these. For among them are those who enter into households and captivate weak women weighed down with sins, led on by various impulses, always learning and never able to come to the knowledge of the truth. (2 Timothy 3:2-7)

In Christ, God provided the only remedy for sin and brokenness by providing a perfect Substitute who took God’s wrath in our place. After approximately thirty three years in preparation Jesus endured betrayal–from His family, His followers, His people–blasphemy, belittling, scorn, unbelief, disregard, anger, threats, mocking, and physical torture. He went to the cross fully committed and willing. Jesus did not die a nebulous death for unnamed sin. He died for the sin of the world; He died for people–people who committed specific, heinous sin against a holy, righteous God.

In forgiveness, the offended party bears the weight of another’s sin. A victim cannot bear her abuser’s weight of sin before God, but she bears his sin against her. There will never be a time when an abuser takes back his words, treatment, physical wounds or scars. They belong to the victim. She bears them all. However, in forgiveness, she says,

“I choose not to punish you for your sin against me. I will let it go.”

Too often, however, we don’t suffer with and help victims feel the weight, disappointment, reality, and pain of the sin against her. We push for forgiveness without counting the cost. We may even quote verses about love from 1 Corinthians 13. God’s Word is true, but we are not using it rightly when we tie up heavy burdens and tie them on a sufferer because we are unwilling to “move so much as a finger” (Matthew 23:4)

Jesus knew our wrongs. He counted them. He felt them, bore them, was wounded by them. And now, when we come to God in faith, we are forgiven completely–for Jesus’ sake. The sin is not less–less horrific, less unrighteous, less wrong. But it has been paid for. For Jesus’ sake God sends our sin away. He lets it go. He knows exactly how much it cost and He has intentionally, purposefully paid the price because of who He is: good, just, holy, perfect, loving.

As those who represent Jesus Christ, we need to s-l-o-w down and walk through suffering with an eye to true forgiveness. It is not only unfair to ask a victim to forgive without counting the cost, it is also unloving. Pushing for forgiveness without honest consideration leads to ongoing, lingering guilt, pain, and spiritual confusion.

A woman who has endured unspeakable treatment should receive loving, giving care that repairs her dignity with healing as she finds her identity in Christ. Then, as God works in her life, she can trust Him to help her forgive her abuser, acknowledging and releasing him of his immense debt against her. The unforgiving servant knew exactly how much he was owed, but failed to count his own debt. As we come to God, understanding the cost of our sin, we can freely forgive others.

The book, Sanctuary, speaks of complete forgiveness (or reconciliation) as a two-way transaction. One person confesses sin and asks for forgiveness, the other gives it. Forgiveness cannot be received without confession and repentance. That is not being hard-hearted or unforgiving, it’s a reflection of God’s forgiveness for us. God forgives and covers our sin after we confess and repent. Unforgiveness is choosing bitterness or vengeance, refusing to forgive when it is asked for.  Unforgiveness is not the struggle for emotional or mental release of another’s sin–that is normal and natural. Forgiveness is a decision of the will, not a feeling, that requires a work of God’s Word and Spirit. In the parable of the “unforgiving servant” the unforgiving individual refused to forgive (or release from personal punishment) what was asked of him (Matthew 18:21-35).

This is tricky with domestic abuse because an abuser may apologize, or even ask for forgiveness, many times and never change. This is where the church needs to step in, protect the oppressed, and hold an abuser accountable. Proof of repentance in a marriage of imbalanced power and pride could take a minimum of 6 months. During this time it is important that the woman (and children) have protection and provision while the abuser is held to complete disclosure and consequences are enforced. Even if trust is re-established, a woman should always have access to leadership that will come to her aid if/when the abuser slips back into abusive patterns of behavior.

After a victim of abuse acknowledges her abusers’ sin, she is in a position to extend forgiveness and release him from his sin against her. She does not need a laundry list of every single offense, but it is healing and helpful to use biblical terms and provide specific examples of sin that needs to be forgiven. A list like this also paves the way for a repentant individual to confess and ask forgiveness from God and his spouse.

The crux of the matter is that forgiveness takes time. It is a heavy decision that requires wrestling and patience; it should not be entered into lightly. We cannot bring about justice, but God can and will. Until then, let us be faithful to His character and refuse to break a bruised reed or extinguish a smoldering wick.

 

I will give thanks to the Lord with all my heart;
I will tell of all Your wonders.
I will be glad and exult in You;
I will sing praise to Your name, O Most High.

When my enemies turn back,
They stumble and perish before You.
For You have maintained my just cause;
You have sat on the throne judging righteously.
You have rebuked the nations, You have destroyed the wicked;
You have blotted out their name forever and ever.
The enemy has come to an end in perpetual ruins,
And You have uprooted the cities;
The very memory of them has perished.

But the Lord abides forever;
He has established His throne for judgment,
And He will judge the world in righteousness;
He will execute judgment for the peoples with equity.
The Lord also will be a stronghold for the oppressed,
A stronghold in times of trouble;
And those who know Your name will put their trust in You,
For You, O Lord, have not forsaken those who seek You.

Sing praises to the Lord, who dwells in Zion;
Declare among the peoples His deeds.
For He who requires blood remembers them;
He does not forget the cry of the afflicted.
Be gracious to me, O Lord;
See my affliction from those who hate me,
You who lift me up from the gates of death,
That I may tell of all Your praises,
That in the gates of the daughter of Zion
I may rejoice in Your salvation.
The nations have sunk down in the pit which they have made;
In the net which they hid, their own foot has been caught.
The Lord has made Himself known;
He has executed judgment.
In the work of his own hands the wicked is snared. Higgaion Selah.

The wicked will return to Sheol,
Even all the nations who forget God.
For the needy will not always be forgotten,
Nor the hope of the afflicted perish forever.
Arise, O Lord, do not let man prevail;
Let the nations be judged before You.
Put them in fear, O Lord;
Let the nations know that they are but men. Selah. (Psalm 9)

Where is God?

There is unspeakable evil in our world. People do things that should never be done–or thought about. The cruelty and disregard of abusers for their victims leaves me speechless at times. Where was God? Why didn’t He intervene? How could He let that happen? For that long?

I know much of what the Bible says. I know God and I believe He is good. Loving. Able. Ever-present. He has revealed Himself in His Word–and my own personal life. He affirms Himself and His goodness through His Spirit. But I struggle with the reality of His goodness, love, and power as I watch their pain and suffering. Living on a farm, I have seen the helpless writhing of suffering creatures and it is difficult, almost impossible, to reconcile with God’s character. Words are inadequate. Platitudes and cliches are harmful. Touch is invasive. I pray. I wait. I read. And reread.

Trusting God by Jerry Bridges
The Attributes of God by A.W. Pink
God’s Healing for Life’s Losses by Robert Kellemen
Mending the Soul by Steven Tracy
When God Weeps by Joni Eareckson Tada and Steven Estes
the Psalms, Lamentations, Habakkuk and other minor prophets

And I love. In loving, I ask. Raw is raw, difficult and impossible is difficult and impossible. The wrestling is not mine, it is between God and the one who is hurting. My struggle is my own. This is her fight and I dare not jump in or meddle. So I ask. Listen. Rephrase. Clarify. Provide perspective. Pray. Draw on God’s Word and character. Ask deeper, more revealing questions. Reframe, reflect, testify, and send her out the door with God’s Word. And continue praying.

We stand together. The fight is hers alone, but we, the advocate, pastor, counselor, and local church cheer her on, pump her up with encouragement, care and comfort. Together, we weep and wrestle and wait and pray. Step by step. Grief after grief. Sorrow after sorrow. Insight after insight. And God works. He reveals Himself: good, loving, and able. Mighty to save.

O Lord God of hosts, hear my prayer;
Give ear, O God of Jacob! Selah.
Behold our shield, O God,
And look upon the face of Your anointed.
For a day in Your courts is better than a thousand outside.
I would rather stand at the threshold of the house of my God
Than dwell in the tents of wickedness.
For the Lord God is a sun and shield;
The Lord gives grace and glory;
No good thing does He withhold from those who walk uprightly.
O Lord of hosts,
How blessed is the man who trusts in You! (Psalm 84:8-12)

The Source of Worship

Messing with someone’s worship is a dangerous offense. Many of us consider weekly worship a priority and can’t imagine life without it. However, in the home of an abuser, worship is a daily, hourly, constant–because the abuser has made himself the object of his wife and children’s worship.

Golden-calf_

In the same way Jeroboam refused to let Israel travel to Jerusalem, replacing temple worship with golden calves, it’s not unusual for men to substitute their position or role as “husband” to that of “god.” The expectation is that a wife’s treatment is representative of her worship and relationship with God. In God’s judgment on Israel, however, the burden fell on Jeroboam, who “made Israel to sin” by replacing God-ordained worship with lesser, fear-driven worship based on man-centered rules and regulations (1 Kings 14:16, plus 18 other references in which, “Jeroboam made Israel sin”).

The burden is not on the oppressed, but the oppressor: the one who removes opportunity, ability, freedom of expression and access for unfettered worship of the one, true God through Jesus Christ alone. No man is worthy of worship. He is broken, sinful, flawed, and bent. A husband’s true calling is to live out his own, personal devotion and worship of God, emulating Jesus by washing the feet of those who travel with him, meeting their needs, and serving as Christ loved the Church and gave Himself for her.

When a wife is free to love God first and most, she will love her neighbor as herself, and, in time, she will experience overwhelming joy.  The journey is a long one, but as long as worship is misplaced, expect the people continue to be downtrodden and led astray. Don’t blame the subject, follow worship to its source. We become what we worship.

The man shapes iron into a cutting tool and does his work over the coals, fashioning it with hammers and working it with his strong arm. He also gets hungry and his strength fails; he drinks no water and becomes weary. Another shapes wood, he extends a measuring line; he outlines it with red chalk. He works it with planes and outlines it with a compass, and makes it like the form of a man, like the beauty of man, so that it may sit in a house. Surely he cuts cedars for himself, and takes a cypress or an oak and raises it for himself among the trees of the forest. He plants a fir, and the rain makes it grow.  Then it becomes something for a man to burn, so he takes one of them and warms himself; he also makes a fire to bake bread. He also makes a god and worships it; he makes it a graven image and falls down before it. Half of it he burns in the fire; over this half he eats meat as he roasts a roast and is satisfied. He also warms himself and says, “Aha! I am warm, I have seen the fire.” But the rest of it he makes into a god, his graven image. He falls down before it and worships; he also prays to it and says, “Deliver me, for you are my god.”

They do not know, nor do they understand, for He has smeared over their eyes so that they cannot see and their hearts so that they cannot comprehend. No one recalls, nor is there knowledge or understanding to say, “I have burned half of it in the fire and also have baked bread over its coals. I roast meat and eat it. Then I make the rest of it into an abomination, I fall down before a block of wood!”  He feeds on ashes; a deceived heart has turned him aside. And he cannot deliver himself, nor say, “Is there not a lie in my right hand?” (Isaiah 44:12-20)

They will be turned back and be utterly put to shame,
Who trust in idols,
Who say to molten images,
“You are our gods.”

Hear, you deaf!
And look, you blind, that you may see. (Isaiah 42:17-18)

Tells

If you’ve watched detective shows or read crime stories, you know a “tell” is a quirk or mannerism that demonstrates and individual is lying.

facial expressions

Although abuse is characterized by secrecy, here are some things to look for in a friend or family member that, collectively, may indicate an abusive relationship:

  • The word, “just” is overused: “It was just an argument.” “I just pushed her a little.” “He just does that when he gets angry.” Just is a minimizing, or buzz, word for domestic abuse.
  • An abuser will place more emphasis on his reputation and other’s perception of him than the incident or state of those he’s harmed: “I don’t want you to think….” “It’s not what it looks like.” “Don’t tell….”
  • One individual (the abuser) does most or all of the communicating. He dominates by interrupting, making excuses and speaking for the other, expressing anger, or playing the victim.
  • The relationship moved incredibly quickly from its beginning to a permanent, or serious, commitment.
  • The relationship is clouded by confusion. Something is wrong, but there is little to no obvious evidence of the problem.
  • Over time, the victim has extinguished relationships with friends and family for multiple reasons. She is, both socially and practically, isolated from others.
  • An abuser does not take responsibility for failure in any way, shape or form. It’s always the fault of someone or something else.
  • An abuser is openly disrespectful of the victim, telling embarrassing stories at her expense, laughing at her, or making her the object of criticism and sarcasm. Victims, on the other hand, seldom speak against their abuser publicly or privately. When/If they do, take them seriously.
  • An abuser destroys objects or items of sentimental value to the victim. He may pose it as an “accident” or necessity but it always happens to her stuff, never to his.
  • Physical abuse results in unexplained bruises, cuts, welts, slow physical responses (i.e. due to sore muscles, strain, injury); inappropriate clothing (sunglasses, long sleeves, turtleneck sweater); extreme make-up, sleepiness, fatigue.
  • A victim may grow less active in community or church activities and less gregarious over time. Changes may be due to other circumstances, but it’s worth asking questions and providing an opportunity for her to share.
  • The victim displays anxiety, apprehension, fear or withdrawal in the presence of the abuser.
  • A victim is in almost constant contact with her abuser via text or phone, or she is anxious to meet a deadline.
  • There is limited access to a vehicle (“I don’t drive….) and money (“No, I can’t.”)
  • A loss of personhood and personal choice often results in depression, suicidal tendencies, drug or alcohol use, an inability to make decisions, and/or loss of interest in daily activities or interests.
  • Because of constant coercion and manipulation a victim makes constant apologies, is apprehensive and confused, expresses helplessness and hopelessness.
  • A victim of domestic abuse will often cancel appointments at the last minute, repeatedly, and/or be late for work and other appointments.

The most important part of being a friend or family member that cares is not to fix the problem, but to believe the victim and encourage her safety. You cannot do it for her. Please don’t seek help without her permission–you may put her in harm’s way. Be there. Pray. Intercede. Speak truth. Don’t slander her abuser; be Christ in all ways.

Because it’s so very, very difficult to see past an abusive relationship, the book Sanctuary focuses on a woman’s identity in Christ. He alone is her hope, her confidence, her motivation to love, honor, and choose Him over and above her husband. Christ will keep her. Focusing on Him will also prevent falling back into harmful patterns of thinking and behavior. Jesus is the answer.

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! According to his great mercy, he has caused us to be born again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, to an inheritance that is imperishable, undefiled, and unfading, kept in heaven for you, who by God’s power are being guarded through faith for a salvation ready to be revealed in the last time. In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith—more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire—may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ. Though you have not seen him, you love him. Though you do not now see him, you believe in him and rejoice with joy that is inexpressible and filled with glory, obtaining the outcome of your faith, the salvation of your souls. 1 Peter 1:3-9 ESV

Jesus’ Broken Body

Church members, pastors, people helpers, be gentle. If you must, repeat to yourself, “This is not about me. This is not about me,” as many times as necessary.

A woman who has endured domestic violence (physical, sexual, financial, digital, you name it) is a real person. As a result of who she is and what she’s experienced, she has done some things you and I may never understand. She may suffer from depression, anxiety, self-harm, hospitalization, drug abuse or alcoholism. It is not our job to fix her. Life change is a result of God’s love, not a prerequisite.

We need only begin where Jesus does. When the Pharisees brought a woman caught in adultery, Jesus didn’t wag His finger, rebuke her, or demand fulfillment of the Law. He provided safety and acceptance, a place of refuge from her accusers. He resisted them, defending her life, humanity, and dignity.  His acknowledged the image of Himself, Creator-God, in this weak, humiliated, half-naked woman. When others walked away, He did not. He waited, silently, rescuing her from her circumstances before speaking to her heart.

A woman’s response, means of survival, relief, or escape does not restrict or negate the character of God. Her reaction to abuse does not lessen or cheapen His love, grace, forgiveness or mercy.

Alcohol abuse, drug use, smoking, abortion, self-injury, violent outbursts, depression, suicidal tendencies, unbecoming intimacy, and/or a sense of confusion and insanity are normal outcomes of and responses to trauma, crisis, and unpredictable violence. Let that sink in. She is not a “bad person.” She has survived. Day after day, moment by moment, she has pushed through an impossible existence.

jesus cross

We, Jesus’ Body, must be prepared for ugly, painful, difficult, dirty–life. Take a moment and think literally. Jesus’ body. Beaten. Whipped. Torn. Bloody. Oozing. Covered with spittle and filth. Screaming silent anguish. He is our Head, now risen and resurrected, transfigured and glorified. But once, once He was broken and bruised. This woman may be part of His body. Jesus precious, broken body. Here, in this place, in His physical absence, we are called to suffer with others, to bear their pain, despair, and enslavement. This–being Jesus in the flesh–is what you and I so easily dismiss, quickly avoid, and flippantly ignore.

May Jesus find us, like Joseph and Nicodemus, faithful to minister love, grace, and healing to His broken, beaten body (see When Joseph Wrapped Jesus).

Reality

The reality of violent domestic abuse–which happens to one in three women* (did you read that right?)–the reality is captivity. Women are captives, not only in their homes, but in their lives, choices, and heads. They are coerced and manipulated to another’s agenda, wishes, demands, and and preferences. Women are threatened, belittled, bullied, and treated like trash in the walls of their homes, bedrooms, kitchen, bathrooms. They can’t and don’t “just leave” for a variety of reasonable reasons** (which we need to understand if we’re going to truly help).

The reality is, a woman in an abusive relationship is in an extremely difficult, dangerous situation.

God knows how to handle the difficult; the dangerous.

Think: ancient Egypt. Powerful. Affluent. Ritualistic. The power dynamic between Egypt and the small group of immigrants who owned and managed livestock, who lived on the outskirts of society is palpable. Heavyweight versus loserweight. Is it any wonder Egypt swallowed and made them slaves? For years they endured hardship, beatings, death, and, finally, the threat of extinction.  But God.

God did not change Egypt. God brought forth His will and plan in spite of, and through, the hardness of Pharaoh’s heart (Romans 9:17).

God did not do away with the Red Sea. He brought His people through it.

God did not destroy the rock. He brought forth water–life itself–in and through it, though the rock remained (Psalm 114; 1 Corinthians 10).

God is able. He can and will use all things for His purpose, plan and glory. He hears the cry of the oppressed, weary, and heavy-laden. He desires to show Himself mighty, powerful to save. He is God, and there is no other. He delights in the impossible. He is there for the one who cries out. That is the reality we live in. That is the reality we cling to. That…is hope.

I love the Lord, because he has heard
    my voice and my pleas for mercy.
Because he inclined his ear to me,
    therefore I will call on him as long as I live.
The snares of death encompassed me;
    the pangs of Sheol laid hold on me;
    I suffered distress and anguish.
Then I called on the name of the Lord:
    “O Lord, I pray, deliver my soul!”

 

Gracious is the Lord, and righteous;
    our God is merciful.
The Lord preserves the simple;
    when I was brought low, he saved me.
Return, O my soul, to your rest;
    for the Lord has dealt bountifully with you.

 

For you have delivered my soul from death,
    my eyes from tears,
    my feet from stumbling;
I will walk before the Lord
    in the land of the living.

 

I believed, even when I spoke:
    “I am greatly afflicted”;
I said in my alarm,
    “All mankind are liars.”

 

What shall I render to the Lord
    for all his benefits to me?
I will lift up the cup of salvation
    and call on the name of the Lord,
I will pay my vows to the Lord
    in the presence of all his people.

 

Precious in the sight of the Lord
    is the death of his saints.
O Lord, I am your servant;
    I am your servant, the son of your maidservant.
    You have loosed my bonds.
I will offer to you the sacrifice of thanksgiving
    and call on the name of the Lord.
I will pay my vows to the Lord
    in the presence of all his people,
in the courts of the house of the Lord,
    in your midst, O Jerusalem.

Praise the Lord! (Psalm 116)

 

 

*https://ncadv.org/statistics

**https://www.focusministries1.org/articles/HowtoHelpanAbusedWife.pdf

Repentance

Those who use power and control as weapons use them well. Think of hand-to-hand combatants in the movies: Matt Damon, Keanu Reeves, Jackie Chan, Bruce Lee. That’s an abuser in a nutshell. It’s what you’re up against–what victims of abuse experience–only it isn’t one scene and it’s not a movie. It’s real life. Over. And over. And over.

In an abusive relationship, the oppressed individual just can’t win. Sometimes life feels  normal. Then pressure builds. The rug gets pulled out from under her unexpectedly. Hard. If only she’d seen it coming. If only… If only….

hqdefault

If you’re a church leader and this isn’t your personal bent, you need to be mentally and spiritually prepared. Sure, there’s trouble in the relationship. Who doesn’t have trouble now and then? But in the case of an abusive relationship, it’s not a boxing match, it’s a street fight. You think you know. You want to think you know. But you don’t. There are no rules. When an abusive individual doesn’t get what he wants, he keeps pressing (or taking. There’s no time to strategize, take a break, regroup, or size up your opponent.

After hearing her side, you may expect opposition. Instead, you often find false humility; a walk to the altar; a promise to tow the line. You think the problem’s solved and you’ve successfully intervened. In some cases, perhaps. But in the case of an oppressive marriage, you’ve been played.

While you were giving him the benefit of the doubt, quick to listen, slow to speak, loving, and playing nice, he manipulated you into giving him more rope and leeway. You told his wife she needs to change, give it another go, hang on a little longer, do what it takes to preserve the marriage. What you don’t know is that He hasn’t changed; He simply flipped the coin and used the other side to get the same outcome: power and control. Now that his sin has been revealed to people who matter, people who could call him to change and surrender, people who have the ability to limit his power, desires, and control–he will make every effort to look the part, convincing them he’s doing his part; she’s not doing hers.

Tears do not equal repentance. “I’m sorry” is not repentance. “I won’t do it again,” is not repentance. “How can I fix this?” is not repentance. “Help me, please,” is not repentance.

Sound familiar?  If you’re still trying to figure out what just happened, please, please check out Chris Mole’s resources at http://www.chrismoles.org/ . Chris helps pastors and church leaders see behind the masquerade of power and control to repentance and true heart change, all while protecting and defending women and children–especially those in our churches.

Repentance equals change. And, as Kevin Carson says, “Change does not take place until change takes place.” Repentance begins with identifying sin. There is no way to begin the put off, put on process of sanctification if you refuse or fail to identify the specifics of what to take off. Where is the sin? No minimizing, justifying, excusing, blame-shifting. True repentance is broken over one’s own sin against God and others, not sorrowful over consequences.

Determine how you, as church leaders, or his wife, know he has put off a behavior. What will stop? How often? To what degree? How will you measure effort and sincerity? Paul wrote this in 2 Corinthians 7:11:

“..see what earnestness this godly grief has produced in you, but also what eagerness to clear yourselves, what indignation, what fear, what longing, what zeal, what punishment! At every point you have proved yourselves innocent in the matter.”

Is he making efforts to keep up appearances, to get what he wants (his life and wife)?This is not true repentance. True repentance means submitting (yes, you read that right–“submitting”) himself to the power and control of others, even when he doesn’t agree. He will tow the line longer than required. He will be harder on himself than you are–and you should expect him to be.

His wife is the one who knows. Listen. to. her. Let her be raw and real. Allow her to share his infractions, outbursts, and demands. This is one of the few true barometers of change in an abusive relationship.

And that’s just a start.

Don’t be the fool. Identify him, love him well, draw him to the Savior. “My brothers, if anyone among you wanders from the truth and someone brings him back, let him know that whoever brings back a sinner from his wandering will save his soul from death and will cover a multitude of sins.” (James 5:19-20)

Love your women and children. Protect and defend them. Go to the mat. Be filled with the Spirit, doing the Lord’s work, with His Word, as His Body:

The Spirit of the Lord God is upon me,
because the Lord has anointed me
to bring good news to the poor;
he has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim liberty to the captives,
and the opening of the prison to those who are bound;
to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor,
and the day of vengeance of our God (Isaiah 61:1-2)