We all love a good make-over. If you’re like me, you skip the middle of the reel and rush to the result. When the book, Sanctuary: Hope and Help for Victims of Domestic Abuse was written, it was written quickly. The work and research happened over a length of time, but there was little time for edits, reviews, and there were limited experts to reach out to. It’s time for a make-over.

Since it’s publication (2018), many voices have taken up the cry, many have stepped up to help. And voices are being heard. Women are being seen. Help is being realized. That is the work and result of our good God stepping in and responding to the cries of the downtrodden. Sometimes it takes years. Decades. But He is faithful.

I no longer recommend the book, Sanctuary, and it is as simple as this: At the time it was written, I assumed women in oppressive marriages had more options. I assumed they could make choices. I assumed people would listen. It’s a great book if both individuals in a relationship have equal opportunity, equal voice, and equal access to help. But that’s not the case.

Is the Bible true? Absolutely. Has God changed? Not at all. But the application of His Word is where these situations come off the tracks. God’s Word speaks to wickedness, deceit, hypocrisy, greed, idolatry and immorality. But seldom do we hear or see it applied to marriage the way it is applied outside the church.

I have added to the original book and will use this platform to flesh out a more accurate representation of God’s Word as it applies to marital abuse. I cannot and will not use the original book here, so if you don’t own a copy and want one, they’re available via amazon, etc. For those who do own a copy, perhaps this will help. Regardless, it’s time to make changes and learn together.

Added to the introduction:

As you read this book you may wonder, “Does she know? Does she understand?” No, I have not experienced an abusive marriage. But I have experienced oppression, neglect, being unwanted, and hurt on the sliding scale we all experience. This kind of treatment goes against everything God intended or created us for, especially in marriage. Using marriage as a disguise to punish, threaten, and abuse others for personal gain or entertainment is sin against God—it is a perversion of His love for us–and others. It is not God’s heart or design for anyone. God wants to help you, and this book is written toward that end.

God does not excuse sin. Marriage does not give a husband permission to sin. The biblical word for abuse is “oppression,” in Greek, thrauó: to break, to shatter, to crush.

God knows and understands oppression. At its root is pride. One individual views himself as more important or deserving than another. God Himself opposes those who use power to promote themselves (Proverbs 16:18; James 4:6, 1 Peter 5:5). This is the opposite of humility, of Jesus’ willingness to wash the disciples’ feet and suffer in our place. Abuse, or oppression, is not an event; it is a continuous series of events—seen and unseen, obvious and hidden. Often, you are the only one who knows and experiences the consequences of your husband’s anger, power and manipulation.

God’s glory exposes sin. You cannot do it alone and you must be very careful. When you decide to stop pretending, covering, or fixing your husband’s sin, get ready. It will require wisdom, support, prayer, and intentionality. Sin hates the darkness and strikes back at any intruding beam (John 3:19-21). You will find a safety plan in the back of this book (Appendix 5)*. Pray. Get help from local domestic abuse advocates and those who have proven themselves faithful. Carefully use and apply a personalized safety plan.

*safety plans can be found on the resource page of this website or here:
https://abuseintervention.org/safety-planning/
https://www.dvccct.org/is-this-abuse/safety-planning/
https://www.focusministries1.org/help/safety-plan
https://bradhambrick.com/safetyplan/