Here are counseling notes from Chapter 2 in the updated version of Sanctuary: Help and Hope for Victims of Domestic Abuse. Again, none of this information is part of the published book. They are here as an addendum. For Scripture passages, refer to the original book. Counseling notes are intended as application.

Counselor’s Note #1 for Chapter 2:

The church struggles to address domestic abuse because of confusion, not necessarily about biblical truth, but about coercive control and the misuse of power dynamics in marriage. There is a lack of understanding as it relates to marital roles, the priority of marriage, headship, submission, and authority. As a result, our Christian churches have often protected and preferred abusers, prioritizing marriage at the expense of the individual. Now that society at-large is deemphasizing marriage, accepting homosexuality, and redefining gender roles, a sense of urgency and fear has heightened the church’s desire to preserve marriage at any cost. It is vital that the church learns how to identify, protect, and extend Christ’s healing to those in need.

Counselor’s Note #2 for Chapter 2:

Abusers are in our churches. In his mind, an abusive husband may claim “special” privileges as it relates to himself and his wife. He believes he is different, better, or greater than others. It is also common for a perpetrator of power and control to view his wife as a personal possession; an object for his own use.

When confronted, an abuser will initially respond with extreme defensiveness in the form of excuses, justification, denial, blame-shifting, refusing to talk, twisting or misusing Scripture, changing the subject, self-pity, or rage.⁶ His first priority is to protect himself and his sin from exposure and loss. For this reason, those investigating incidents of domestic violence must take caution. An abusive man is a student of people, reading their responses, likes and dislikes, as a means to his end. He is a master of deceit, hypocrisy, manipulation, and a distorted sense of reality. Chris Moles, author of The Heart of Domestic Abuse, cautions, “Men who are driven for control and eager to manipulate may use the counseling room as a tool to control while appearing humble or portraying themselves as a victim.”^[1] 

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[1] Chris Moles, 14.

Counselor’s Note #3 for Chapter 2:

Even when her husband sins against her, a victim of coercive control may believe it is unbiblical to confront him. With time and the escalation of abuse, she is reasonably afraid to do anything that would set him off. A victim may stay in an abusive relationship due to practical limitations like finances, housing, threats of losing her children, and the lack of a job or family support. Some women stay because they love their husband, they believe he is a good father for their children, and when life is good, it is really good.

Counselor’s Note #4 for Chapter 2:

Unfortunately, churches, pastors, lay leaders, and members often blame a victim for her husband’s sin against her. If only she were more submissive, more obedient, or more observant, she wouldn’t be mistreated or misused. What each of us needs to understand before looking closely at the people, dynamics, and biblical answers for victims of domestic abuse is that we have adopted common and widespread misconceptions about perpetrators, victims, and marital oppression. We don’t welcome the thought of abuse in our midst. We don’t want to believe it’s happening, and perhaps more frightening, we don’t know what to do if or when it is discovered.

Although God sovereignly uses everything, even suffering, that does not excuse sin or human responsibility. It is possible to trust, honor, and glorify God by seeing the truth for what it is. Shining the light on oppression provides opportunities for authentic change for everyone involved—a husband’s repentance, a church and wife’s growth in walking with the Lord in spite of hardship. The local church can minister to immediate and long-term needs, looking beyond behavioral objectives like submission and authority to safety and care. In this way, they model and teach what it looks like to cry out to God, trust, and obey rather than protect themselves at another’s expense.