In re-writing the book, Sanctuary: Hope and Help for Victims of Domestic Abuse, I also shifted chapters. For that reason, this is the previous Chapter 4. It is hard to know how/if this book is for you until terms are defined. Because this is one of the most re-written and added-to chapters, it will require a number of posts.

There are various additions and changes within sentences, but out of regard for the publisher, I am only sharing large changes here, not word-by-word edits. Additions to Chapter 2:

There are a number of ways to identify a relationship that is imbalanced, or oppressive. A common term is “domestic abuse,” but that’s a difficult thing to say or admit and it doesn’t always fit. A woman may know she’s unhappy or uncomfortable with what’s happening in her home and relationship even if she doesn’t know how to describe or identify what’s happening. This chapter will help you see the unseen.

 “It takes two to tango” is a lie. In oppressive marriages one person, generally the husband, exercises power or control over another individual for his own personal benefit. He may use his size and strength, Scripture, male privilege, finances, children, isolation from family and friends, his influence, intimate knowledge, or many other means to coerce, blackmail, or “persuade” an outcome to his advantage. When this is a repeated pattern that continues or worsens over time, it is a misuse of power and authority.

….Oppression is a biblical term that refers to “breaking in pieces.” A secular phrase, coercive control, means that an individual uses non-physical tactics to get what he wants. A lack of physical violence doesn’t justify sinful, wrong behavior. The truth is that an abuser will use any means necessary to exert control.

We would like to believe that domestic abuse is a crime but that’s not necessarily true. Each state has its own statutes and way of addressing individuals who habitually exert power or control over someone else. Each state and county treats it differently. Some states have created more severe penalties for domestic abuse than assault itself, knowing the danger and lengths an abuser will go to to maintain control. What the legal system and abuse advocates know that some of our churches don’t, is that abuse escalates over time. It may begin with cruel words, limiting resources, and restricting a woman’s freedom, but when an abuser’s will is thwarted, he reinforces control with a display of physical or sexual force. Physical power or punishment is used to empower lesser, more subtle forms of control others don’t see. Many men justify or excuse domination over their wife with the words, “I don’t hit her.” “I’m not that bad,” is often used to avoid consequences and continue sinful patterns of behavior.

The Abuser

Proverbs provides both a description and warning when it says, 

“One who hates disguises it with his lips, But he harbors deceit in his heart.
When he speaks graciously, do not believe him, Because there are seven abominations in his heart.” (Proverbs 26:24-25)

The Victim

The wife of an abusive husband may falsely believe that she has the ability to make him happy or bring about change. Her thoughts, choices, and decisions are covered with a film of shame, embarrassment, and guilt. Women who live with controlling husbands are held responsible for his sin, failure, choices, happiness, success, and well-being. She may believe she is inferior to him and “deserves” to be treated badly because of what he tells her repeatedly. Not only do these deceptive realities keep her captive to her husband, they play into his ability to gain more power and control. Shame, deceit, and the erosion of personal dignity leech away hope, trust, and clear thinking, replacing it with fear and despair.