What’s the big deal?

If you are a pastor, lay leader, or people helper, all the hoopla about domestic abuse–or abuse in general–may have you reacting the way I do when the latest Marvel movie is released or baseball season begins. I avoid it because of the hype. The level of excitement can be a turn off. Or maybe you think you’ll know it when you see it–you just haven’t seen it to the degree it’s being talked about.

I am not a victim, or target, of domestic abuse. This topic found me. But with the opportunity to love women, listen, learn, and study the dynamic of marital oppression, I find that God has also given me a voice to speak for Him–and to speak for them. I am a God-appointed mediator for those seeking help.

What’s Missing?

We would all agree much of life happens behind the scenes as it relates to our home, whether it’s the way we interact as a couple to the way we speak to our children. There are times each of us would be mortified if others could see and hear what we’ve said or done in private.

In an abusive, or, to use the biblical term, oppressive, marriage, there is an ongoing pattern of one person dominating or controlling the for his own benefit. What we see in public is magnified in private. Much of the time, a controlling individual is extremely aware of their reputation and public persona, making it difficult for others to even imagine how they behave at home.

We may wonder, “Does that actually happen?” Or, “What does it looks like?” It’s common to think it’s a wife’s fault–that no man would strike out physically or verbally without a reason. Instead, these behaviors are not a response, but a manipulation. They are initiated by the individual seeking control. For example, anger is a tool to achieve an end. We cannot “make” another person angry. But anger creates fear. Fear changes behavior. The controlling individual uses anger as a means of loving self and using others.

Statistics tell us this is a reality: 1 out of 3 women have experienced some form of physical violence from a partner. This does not include covert or secret forms of control men use as a result of entitled thinking or unrealistic expectations. The statistics are no different inside or outside the church.

So is it Wrong?

Many individuals who love God and His Word believe that a husband is the head of the family and a woman’s role is to submit. It is not wrong to live cooperatively, complementing one another in a way that reflects and honors Jesus. God is not reflected in a marriage where “roles” supersede the image of God and His love for each one.

It’s time for a quick clarification: most imbalance in marriage relationships happens as a result of a husband sinning against a wife. Why? Because men generally have more means and ability to use their resources to coerce a response. They have greater size, control over finances, social and local church recognition, freedom in the workplace, etc. Those things are not wrong or bad. They are gifts from God. They are gifts that are intended to benefit everyone.

But sin…

When a man uses his wife instead of loving her, he fails to see her the way  Jesus does: “There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither slave nor freeman, there is neither male nor female; for you are all one in Christ Jesus.” (Galatians 3:28) If he sees himself as “better than” or “more than,” he feels entitled to privileges of service and preference because he is the husband. This leads to demands and punishment when his wife and children don’t meet his expectations. It may include controlling her time, agenda, whereabouts, and relationships. Control that usurps God is sinfully wrong. It hi-jacks the image of God instead of promoting and protecting it.

1. Choice: God expresses choice in creation and salvation. He has the sovereign right and ability to make decisions.
   As His creatures, He has also given us freedom of choice. He is glorified by our distinctions and uniqueness.
   In an oppressive relationship, the only acceptable choices are a husband’s preferences, desires, patterns, or standards. Deviation results in punishment.
   
2. Expression: God created by His Word. He speaks to us.
   We reflect God in our ability to express ourselves.
   In an oppressive relationship, there is no freedom of expression of opinion, preference, thoughts, or goals. They oppressed individual must represent the oppressor’s frame of reference at all times.
   
3. Morality/Conscience: God is Love. He has given mankind a conscience, or frame of reference, that reflects his very character.
   In an oppressive relationship, one person’s sin, weakness, and failure is placed on the other as if they don’t exist. They are not allowed to live according to their own moral compass, but must acquiesce to their abusers distorted view of right and wrong.
   
4. Worship: We are created to worship God as dependent, adoring, serving creatures.
   In an oppressive relationship, the oppressor is the object of worship. Any worship apart from him results in punishment.

One person is represented by the outside circle and exerts his will over another, diminishing the image of God by restricting freedom of conscience, volition, personal expression, and worship. For these reasons alone, with or without physical manifestations, believers in Christ should be the first to respond to an abusive relationship or situation. If you don’t think this is happening around you, look again. Check out this website. Ask questions. Pray. Then get ready to act. God will use the humble, loving servant to minister to the least of these.

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