What’s the big deal?

If you are a pastor, lay leader, or people helper, the attention given to domestic abuse–or abuse more broadly–may feel overwhelming or overhyped. You may react the way I do when the latest Marvel movie is released or baseball season begins. I avoid it because of the hype. The level of excitement can be a turn off.

Or perhaps you believe you’ll recognize abuse when you see it–and you simply haven’t seen it to the degree people are describing.

That reaction is understandable. Much of what is being discussed sounds dramatic, urgent, and unfamiliar.

How this topic found me

I am not a victim, or target, of domestic abuse. This topic found me through the opportunity to love women, to listen, to learn, and to study the dynamic of marital oppression.

Over time, as I listened carefully and studied Scripture alongside these experiences, it became clear that God was not only helping me see what was happening and why, but also responsibility to speak faithfully and advocate for those seeking help.

This work has shaped how I understand both harm and care and it frames the following:

What’s missing?

Much of life happens behind the scenes, particularly in our homes–how we speak to our spouses, how we discipline our children, how we handle frustration and disappointment. All of us would be mortified if others could see and hear what takes place in private.

In an abusive–or , to use the biblical term, oppressive–marriages, there is an ongoing pattern of one person dominating or controlling another for personal benefit. What we see in public is magnified in private.

In many documented cases, a controlling individual is highly aware of their reputation and public persona. This makes it difficult for others to even imagine behavior that contradicts what they see in public.

This is often where confusion begins.

Is this really happening?

At this point, it’s common to wonder, Does that actually happen? or What does it even look like?

In many cultural and church contexts, there is a reflexive assumption that conflict must be mutual–no man would strike out physically or verbally without provocation, and that a wife must share responsibility for conflict.

However, when we examine patterns of coercive control more closely, a different picture emerges. These behaviors are not reactions; they are initiated strategies to gain or maintain control. Anger, for example, functions as a tool to achieve an end.

We cannot make another person angry. But anger creates fear. Fear changes behavior. In this way, anger becomes a means of loving self and using others.

This distinction matters.

What the data shows

Statistics confirm that this is not rare. One in three women has experienced some form of physical violence from a partner. This does not include covert or non-physical forms of control, which often operate through entitlement, unrealistic expectations, or misuse of authority.

Notably, the prevalence of abuse is not meaningfully different inside or outside the church.

This raises an important question–not just about behavior, but about interpretation.

So… is this wrong?

Many people who love God and His Word believe that a husband is the head of the family and that a wife is called to submit. Cooperative, complementary relationships that reflects Christ’s love are not inherently wrong.

However, when “roles” supersede the image of God and the command to love, something has gone wrong.

This distinction requires careful discernment.

A necessary clarification

At this point, it’s important to slow down and clarify scope.

In many documented cases of marital oppression, imbalance results from a husband sinning against a wife. This is not a statement about all marriages or all men. Rather, it reflects a recurring pattern observed in counseling, pastoral care, and survivor accounts.

Why does this pattern appear so frequently? Because men often have greater access to resources that can be misused–size, finances, social credibility, church recognition, workplace freedom, and mobility. These are not bad things. They are gifts from God, intended for the good of others.

The problem is not possession of power, but how it is used.

When power is distorted by sin

When a man uses his wife instead of loving her, he fails to see as Jesus does:

“There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither slave nor freeman, there is neither male nor female; for you are all one in Christ Jesus.” (Galatians 3:28)

When he views himself as “better than” or “more than,” entitlement follows. Entitlement produces demands. Demands enforced through fear or punishment distort God’s design.

This distortion may include controlling time, agenda, whereabouts, relationships, and decision-making. When control usurps God, it no longer reflects His image–it replaces it.

Image of God vs. domination

To understand why this matters theologically, it helps to examine how oppression directly contradicts God’s character.

1. Choice: God expresses choice in creation and salvation. He created us with freedom of choice.
   In oppressive relationships, the only acceptable choices are the oppressor’s preferences. Deviation results in punishment.
   
2. Expression: God created by His Word. He speaks to us and invites a response.
   In oppressive relationships, freedom of expression is restricted. The oppressed individual must adopt the oppressor’s frame of reference.
   
3. Morality/Conscience: God is love. Our conscience is a reflection of His character.
   In oppressive relationships, responsibility is displaced. One person’s sin is projected onto another, and conscience is overridden.
   
4. Worship: We are created to worship God alone.
   In oppressive relationships, the oppressor becomes the object of devotion. Worship directed elsewhere results in punishment.

These are not merely relational problems. They are theological violations.

The vice of domination

Domination diminishes the image of God by restricting freedom of conscience, volition, expression, and worship. For this reason alone–whether or not physical violence is present–followers of Christ should be among the first to respond.

If this feels distant or unlikely, pause and look again. Ask questions. Learn. Pray.

God uses the humble, loving servant to protect and care for the vulnerable–and to reflect His character where it has been distorted.

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