One of Us

A victim’s greatest need is safety and security. Unfortunately, she is more likely to find it outside church walls than within.  Why?

Too often church members and pastors excuse an abusers’ treatment of his wife by believing (or saying) something like this: “If only you were more submissive.” “Have you prayed about it?” “Do you keep up the house? Laundry? Meals?”  Expecting her to change or fix the problem puts her on a different team. (Yes, ask him. You’re either on his team or you’re not.) When that happens, the wife becomes an outsider. She is “less than” everyone else.  Even if it remains unspoken, those who don’t understand think of her as someone who  doesn’t (fill in the blank);  can’t (fill in the blank), or won’t (fill in the blank) while everyone else does, can and will. And as soon as we identify someone as “less than,” we have given ourselves and others permission to treat her differently.

This is why most women receive help from former victims of abuse: survivors. They know they’re on the same team.

When it comes down to it, if one is to pick sides, the Bible says God is for the oppressed, hurting, downtrodden, broken, and contrite. So where do I really want to be? I want to be on His team…not just for my sake, but because I realize we’re all the same. The fact is, we’ve all been the underdog at one time or another, but coming alongside and cheering on women in abusive relationships–well, we’re going to get it wrong sometimes. By God’s grace, with humility, practice, and a teachable spirit we hope to get it right more and more.

Our example is Jesus, who made us part of His team. He not only picked us, He became one of us in a way the universe never has and never will see again.  The question is not one of picking and choosing, but joining others in their weariness and struggle against evil. As God’s representatives of reconciliation, may we bridge the gap between His goodness and grace and other’s pain, isolation, and enslavement. Even if I cannot comprehend what it is to be abused, I know my own limitations and need for Living Water. And, as I drink deeply from the well, may I draw a cup and minister it to others as well.

We all need fresh awakenings of the hope only God can give, of the transforming power of His Word and Spirit, of peace. And rest… Of the nearness of His presence and the beauty of His holiness. God is good to break us. To use us. To draw us in dependence on Himself as we see, hear, and love, and to glorify Himself in and through the lives of one another.

For the love of Christ controls us, because we have concluded this: that one has died for all, therefore all have died; and he died for all, that those who live might no longer live for themselves but for him who for their sake died and was raised.

From now on, therefore, we regard no one according to the flesh. Even though we once regarded Christ according to the flesh, we regard him thus no longer. Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come. All this is from God, who through Christ reconciled us to himself and gave us the ministry of reconciliation; that is, in Christ God was reconciling the world to himself, not counting their trespasses against them, and entrusting to us the message of reconciliation. Therefore, we are ambassadors for Christ, God making his appeal through us. We implore you on behalf of Christ, be reconciled to God. For our sake he made him to be sin who knew no sin, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God. (2 Cor. 5:14-21)

Forgiveness without Reconciliation

I was recently asked what marriage to an abusive man would look like if he never changed–if he confessed and asked for forgiveness as manipulation. That’s a hard question. What would it look like to live, willing to forgive, but unreconciled?

Jesus’ said:

“You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ 44 But I say to you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, 45 so that you may be sons of your Father who is in heaven; for He causes His sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. 46 For if you love those who love you, what reward do you have? Do not even the tax collectors do the same? 47 If you greet only your brothers, what more are you doing than others? Do not even the Gentiles do the same? 48 Therefore you are to be perfect, as your heavenly Father is perfect.” (Matthew 5:43-48)

That’s hard. Impossible. Supernatural.

And the proof, as they say, is in the pudding. During the last meal Jesus shared with His disciples before His crucifixion, He announced that one of them would betray Him. Each one (including Judas) asked, “Surely not I, Lord?” (Matthew 26:22). Jesus didn’t treat Judas any differently than the others, even though Judas had received 30 pieces of silver in exchange for betrayal.

The strained behavior, words, guilt, and shame rest soundly with the one who sinned and refuses to repent. Those forgiven by God in Christ are free; faith-filled, peace-full. They can make decisions, walk, talk, and live with a clear conscience before God and others. Reconciliation affects fellowship with individual who sinned against us, but it does not bear on our own conscience or relationship with God.

Again, the guilt and sin is the responsibility of the one who sins against and uses others to his advantage. The soul who sins will die. (Ezekiel 18:4). That’s each one of us–apart from Jesus. But in Christ, there we can love others independent of their behavior; seeking their best, honoring God with my heart, mind,  body, and soul.

Simply trusting every day;
Trusting through a stormy way;
Even when my faith is small,
Trusting Jesus, that is all.

Refrain:

Trusting as the moments fly,
Trusting as the days go by,
Trusting Him, whate’er befall,
Trusting Jesus, that is all.

2 Brightly doth His Spirit shine
Into this poor heart of mine;
While He leads I cannot fall,
Trusting Jesus, that is all.

3 Singing if my way be clear,
Praying if the path be drear;
If in danger, for Him call,
Trusting Jesus, that is all.

4 Trusting Him while life shall last,
Trusting Him till earth is past,
Till His gracious advent call,
Trusting Jesus, that is all.