Get Outta the Way!

Years ago while visiting a friend, the phone rang. From the far end of the house I heard a small, shrill voice rise and continue. “Aren’t you going to answer the phone?” I asked. “Not yet,” she said.  The sound got louder and clearer, “Get outta the way! Move! Move! Move!” The young tornado ran at full speed, dodging obstacles and people, desperately repeating, “Get outta the way! I’m coming!” Reaching for the phone, she cleared her throat and answered  sweetly, “Anderson residence. This is Cassie speaking. How may I help you?”

girl on phone
Find original photo here

As I travel the pages of Proverbs and observe what God has to say about wicked men, the word to the wise is, “Get out of the way!” Maybe you’re a wife–a good wife. He says you’re a lousy one, but you really want to do your best. Whether you’re married to a wicked, foolish man or not, we women have a tendency to fix things. We know and believe God created us to be helpers–and we’re really trying.

The problem is that we step into the nunya zone as helpers (see The Nunya Zone). In the case of the wicked, this is especially dangerous. Why? Because this lies in store for the wicked. According to Proverbs, the wicked man:

  • Sets himself up for destruction (1:17-18)
  • Will lose his life (1:19)
  • Will be caught by his own iniquity (5:22)
  • Will be held with the cords of his sin (2:23)
  • Will be broken with no hope for healing (6:15)
  • Is hated by God (6:16-19, 8:13)
  • Will be overtaken by that which he fears (10:24)
  • Will live a short life (10:27)
  • Will be destroyed by his wickedness (11:5)
  • Will be caught by his own greed (11:6)
  • Will not go unpunished (11:21)
  • Can expect wrath (11:23)
  • Will receive evil (11:27)
  • Is condemned by the Lord (12:2)
  • Is ensnared by the transgression of his lips (12:13)

Wife, if you stand in the way by trying to “fix” the consequences of your husband’s choices and decisions, you will suffer as a result. Let me say a word here–God knows your heart . He sees your present suffering, confusion, pain, and each incident of abuse. This is not your fault. It is not the result of your sin. You are not the problem. This is not due to your failure and flaws. Your husband alone is responsible for the way he speaks to you, treats you and your children. God will hold him accountable–and others should as well.

Give them the opportunity and by  getting “outta the way.” When your husband tells a lie and gets caught, don’t provide an excuse or step in to smooth the waters. Let him stew in it. It’s his lie. It was his choice. Leave it alone. When he “slips” and says something incredibly rude or derogatory to or about you in public, don’t worry what others think. Let them see him for who he his. Allow the shock and consequences of being marginalized to fall where they may. Don’t cover his sin.

When the Bible says, “Love covers a multitude of sin” it’s referring to sin that has been confessed and repented of, not sin that remains unacknowledged, unconfessed, unhindered, blatant, and repeated. Even God does not cover that kind of sin. Psalm 32:5 says, I acknowledged my sin to You, and my iniquity I did not hide; I said, ‘I will confess my transgressions to the Lord’and You forgave the guilt of my sin.” This is the sin God covers according to verse 1: “How blessed is he whose transgression is forgiven, Whose sin is covered!”

True love reveals sin so it can be confessed and forgiven. Ephesians 5:8, 10-12 says, “for you were formerly darkness, but now you are Light in the Lord; walk as children of Light…trying to learn what is pleasing to the Lord. Do not participate in the unfruitful deeds of darkness, but instead even expose them; for it is disgraceful even to speak of the things which are done by them in secret.” In loving others, we expose their wickedness and allow them to carry the full weight of their decisions, not because we want vengeance, but because we understand the importance of pleasing God and loving others.

The author of Proverbs agrees. “Stay away,” he warns. “Don’t get drawn into their wickedness and deceit. Hate evil; fear the Lord.” And in doing so, “the Lord will be your confidence and will keep your foot from being caught” (Proverbs 3:26).

You may be the one to execute consequences by saying, “When you threaten violence with your words and/or actions, I’m out of here.” Plan ahead–prepare an extra set of keys, clothing, overnight gear, place to stay, etc. Or, “I will not stand by while call me demeaning names/treat me like a slave/ talk with a raised voice/ get in my face.” When it is safe, leave the room or go to a friends’ house. Let him feel the problem; the consequence; the weight of sinning against you and creating a barrier that has not been restored.  If he doesn’t see the problem, he will continue to excuse his behavior. “It wasn’t that bad.”  “I just _______.” “What’s her problem anyway?”

Say it in your head. Practice it out loud. Repeat it over and over. Then, prayerfully, when the time is right, use it. Involve friends, your pastor, local church leadership, law enforcement, and social services as needed. There is nothing (!) biblical about harboring a sinner and “protecting” him from consequences.

Although it is impossible in human terms, with God, nothing is impossible (Luke 1:37). God gives you permission–in fact, He warns you–to “Get Outta the Way!”

 

 

Forgiveness without Reconciliation pt. 2

Forgiveness is costly. When Jesus prayed, “Father, forgive them, for they know not what they are doing,” He was not providing a blanket forgiveness. He was petitioning His Father, willing to pay the price for their sin against Him. In the same way, Jesus took the punishment of my sin so I wouldn’t have to. That is love–and it is the kind of love only Jesus can give.

jesus_on_cross

None of us can take another’s punishment for sin. We have our own to worry about. But forgiveness* is a promise to withhold punishment for another’s sin against us. It may seem a petty thing–and in the scope of eternity it is–but in the moment, depending on the offense, it is astronomical. What does it look like to forgive a husband who belittles you in public? Demeans you in front of the children? Withholds finances? Takes joy in making your pain?

When we see the ugliness, waste, and offense of sin, we are tempted to retaliate, make him pay, want him to feel the pain and suffering he’s caused. That’s normal and natural. But Jesus can change that. Examining my own heart and sin against God and others brings me to a point of seeing the pain and suffering I brought on Jesus; on friends, church and family members, co-workers, children. And as I fully embrace the price Jesus paid for my sin, all of it, I am able to give him my pain and suffering as a result of others’ sin against me.

Willingness to forgive does not fix the problem. It does not make the offense go away or stop it from happening.  What a heart of forgiveness does do it to take the Jesus-card out of my back pocket and put it in the sin chip-reader. “Charge it to His account. There’s more than enough to cover the cost.” When I delve into Jesus’ forgiveness and extend it to others, I am free from the need to punish them or get revenge. I trust God to take care of things, and I know He will. As far as my own sin, the punishment was at Jesus’ expense. Paul wrote, “Never take your own revenge, beloved, but leave room for the wrath of God, for it is written, ‘Vengeance is Mine, I will repay,’ says the Lord” (Romans 12:19).

Apart from God’s forgiveness in Christ, I can never be ready and willing to offer forgiveness. But through faith in Jesus, I can choose a heart of forgiveness. If the offending party has not acknowledged, owned, and dealt with his sin, I am free to bring it up when it is in his best interest. In that case, I determine to use his sin against me for Christ’s glory instead of my own.

I will not smash the mirror of God’s Word over someone else’s head, but I may lovingly, gently hold it up as the Standard in non-combative moments to say, “This is what I’m seeing–do you see it, too?” A willingness to love and forgive may mean removing one’s self and children from a dangerous or sinful situation: “I am not going to embrace or be an audience to your sin against God, against me, and against those who are in your care.”

The key is this: *sin cannot be forgiven (or “sent away) until it is acknowledged and forsaken. Until then, we can be willing and ready, dependent on Jesus Christ, extending His kindness and love to the just and the unjust, doing what is right, and using the resources He has put at our disposal.

But I tell you that every careless word that people speak, they shall give an accounting for it in the day of judgment. (Matthew 12:26)

For the Son of Man is going to come in the glory of His Father with His angels, and will then repay every man according to his deeds. (Matthew 16:27)

For Christ also died for sins once for all, the just for the unjust, so that He might bring us to God… (1 Peter 3:18)