This page is intended as a general guide for helpers and leaders and is not a substitute for professional or emergency care.

If you are a godly woman, lay leader, biblical counselor, or pastor who wants to help but feels unsure how to respond in situations of domestic abuse, this page is for you. While abuse can occur in any gender configuration, this post reflects the most common patterns encountered and documented in ministry contexts and society at large.

Understanding the Nature of Domestic Abuse

One of the most important truths to understand is this: domestic abuse (coercive control) is not caused by the victim. It is rooted in an abuser’s desire for power and control. Counseling a woman (or abused man) to be more understanding, submissive, or compliant does not change that dynamic. It fails to address sin and instead places responsibility on the one being sinned against.

Why Abuse Is Often Overlooked in the Church

In considering abusive individuals, it is worth mentioning that if he (or she) is gregarious and others overlook or excuse inappropriate (sinful) behavior by saying, “Not so-and-so. He’s so ________ (fill in the blank),” it’s time to stop the conversation and start asking questions. The church and its leaders may be guilty of excusing sinful behavior based on the abuser’s charm and other people’s affinity for him. One advocate for victims of domestic abuse states, “Abusers are master-manipulators; they make themselves valuable; they form connections—but isolate the victim. The victim knows she’s at a disadvantage in her faith community. Without meaning to, faith leaders are dismissive or undermining or don’t believe what’s happening because of those other connections.”

What Helpers Need to Know

Here are important things you may or may not know about abusive marriages:

1. Domestic abuse is, at the heart, about power and control. Physical violence (battery) is used when lesser means (coercion, threats, punishment) do not. An abuser is all about getting what he wants, when and how he wants it. There may never be a battering incident. It is still abuse.
2. Isolation is a key component of abuse. If a woman seeks your help, she is taking a risk and jeopardizing her safety. Now, according to Galatians 6:2, others are able to help bear her burden. Dr. Robert Kellemen writes, “[caring Christians] refuse to allow one another to suffer alone. We come alongside one another to grieve together. We understand that shared sorrow is endurable sorrow.” (God’s Healing for Life’s Losses, 22)
3. Abuse is not just determined by the perpetrator’s behavior, but also its effect.  While others may not immediately perceive certain words or actions as abusive, patterns of fear, intimidation, and threat signal that something is wrong. If she is fearful, there is a problem. Don’t look to her to solve or change her situation; this is on her husband, the source of fear (which may also come across as anger or hurt).
   Realize that nothing is off the table as far as an abuser is concerned. In an abusive mindset, others are treated as objects for the abuser’s purposes—abuse is not merely an act, but a way of thinking. He perceives others as objects, including his wife, and will use children, family members, finances, etc. to achieve his goal(s). He will cheat, steal and lie without batting an eye.
4. Be ready and willing to follow the lead of the victim. She has remained alive this long. She has survived things she cannot put into words. Whatever you want to do, restrain yourself and others by moving at her speed, according to her wishes. Moving too quickly or without her consent can significantly increase risk. Be careful. Anytime others get involved, it shifts the power/control dynamic and creates waves of paranoia.
5. Because of her husband’s demands and desire for control, she makes decisions based on his response: when she can go to the store, how much money is available, what kind of mood he’ll be in, how to present words of comfort, etc., etc. For every shift in mood, she has at least 20 responses and outcomes swirling through her head. Allow her to make decisions. Provide options, but don’t be the next dictator of decision-making and outcomes.

Involving Advocates and Authorities

Whenever possible, provide her with a safe woman to be her advocate. An experienced advocate who understands the dynamics of abuse will go a long way toward keeping a victim safe and helping you understand what is happening. Assigning an advocate to a victim of abuse puts one more set of eyes on the situation and enlarges, maybe doubles, the victim’s circle of contact.

It is also reasonable, prudent, and biblical to involve law enforcement and social services. Domestic abuse is a crime–not just physical battery, but harassing, stalking, controlling, and demeaning behavior as well. The church, representing Jesus Christ on earth, is subject to civil authorities, which are here to protect us (Rom. 13:1-5). Secular advocates understand a woman’s limitations and will not restrict her choices. They have been trained to honor her faith and personal convictions. We express trust in God when we use the resources He has provided. 

Responding with Wisdom and Care

Always, always, pray for women who seem withdrawn and difficult to engage. Extend polite conversation and niceties in public, touch base in a way that doesn’t interfere with family life, make yourself available, listen, and believe a woman who expresses concern or fear about her husband.

Responding well requires patience, humility, and courage. We reflect Christ when we listen carefully, believe those who speak, and act in ways that protect life and dignity.