Mirror, Mirror on the Wall

Much like a mirror, we view life through our eyes–looking out from the inside. Even when we think we’re looking in, we’re looking at ourselves through ourselves. For that reason, none of us is objective. That’s why the Word of God and the people of God are vital.

man in mirror

An abuser sees the victim as an object designed to meet his needs (not a person, not the image of God, not even a servant, but someone “less than”). The focus is himself. Pride skews the way he look at life. Every wrong is deflected onto his chosen target. Is everyone guilty? Sometimes. But more often, there is an individual who could, if she chose, put him in the center and make his life easier, better, more fitting. He is entitled; she is an interference, an obstacle. His reality is the only reality.

Victims often see themselves at fault. They should be able to right the world–his world–and bring about change. Her reality is subject to his. If only she could align with his wants, needs, and desires, life wouldn’t be so difficult or painful. Unfortunately, his reality changes constantly. She’s off balance, unable to stay grounded, at his service.

Both have a distorted view of God, themselves, and others. At home, abusers exhibit little to no dependence on God. Victims depend on their abuser. Failure results in punishment. This is not a case of “It takes 2 bears to make a bear fight.” This is domination and control.

Although abusers sin greatly against the victim, it’s a cat and mouse game few see. Those privy to the truth have no voice or are quickly discounted in light of the abuser’s influence, affluence, personality, charisma, persona.

Many in the church have no idea. They, too, see the situation through their own eyes, assuming that the husband is–of course–caring for his wife and children, representing his side of the story accurately, and, though frustrated, painting his wife in the best light possible. Many also assume that the wife is ungrateful for her husband’s care, exaggerates his faults, and fails to live up to her role.

Applying the Word of God to what is seen or reported is difficult. The examination must be private, comprehensive, and invasive. An abuser’s heart seeks his own, justifies sinful behavior, and is unwilling to sacrifice his agenda for the benefit of his spouse (for others, yes, but not for her). A victim seeks to please her spouse (remember the consequences? Imagine the weeks, months, years; the habits and thought processes that have led her here). She, too, minimizes her abuser’s words and behavior (it’s shameful and embarrassing for anyone else to hear or see the demoralizing treatment. They would cringe. She cringes just thinking about their pity or, worse, agreement with her abuser.). She has little to no agenda other than survival and avoiding punishment and reproach.

Can you say, “This is wrong”? “This is shameful”? “This is not the way Christ loves the Church”?  This is not Christian marriage. Take His name out of it. Whether those involved claim to be Christians or not, this is controlling, illegal behavior. Prayerfully look beyond your own mirror into the face of Christ. What do you see?

For the word of God is living and active and sharper than any two-edged sword, and piercing as far as the division of soul and spirit, of both joints and marrow, and able to judge the thoughts and intentions of the heart. And there is no creature hidden from His sight, but all things are open and laid bare to the eyes of Him with whom we have to do.

Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has passed through the heavens, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold fast our confession. For we do not have a high priest who cannot sympathize with our weaknesses, but One who has been tempted in all things as we are, yet without sin. Therefore let us draw near with confidence to the throne of grace, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need. (Hebrews 4:12-16)

Accessing Strength and Power

Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about what prevents victims of abuse from crying out–and there are a lot of factors. I’ll be part of a Master Class with Chris Moles in the near future and will make it available as I’m able. But something incredible has fallen into my lap in the way of experience and truth.

Because I am not only a biblical counselor but an Advocate Volunteer for our social services, I interact with a lot of different people. When victims need help–when they know they need help–and they want help, God offers Himself as the  Rock, the  Fortress, the Hiding Place.

To come to the place of admitting there’s nothing I can do and this other person is acting contrary to my hopes and dreams–that I am caught in a web of deception–that is when I fall on my knees and beg for mercy. My dreams are gone. My hope, dashed. My future, uncertain. My present, a nightmare. My relationships, tenuous. As the old hymn writer said, “On Christ the solid Rock I stand, all other ground is sinking sand.”

Unfortunately, many would rather live the lie, hope for change, and wrestle the known than let go and embrace God with both hands. (Statistics say that a woman will return to an abusive relationship an average of seven times.) When a victim lets go of present circumstances and takes God at His Word, a miracle takes place. Eyes are open, reality is accepted, dreams are released, and hope takes root.

If you haven’t, look around. Ask God to reveal your true need and cry out to Him. He is your only Hope. If you are clinging to Him, you’ve found the answer to your past, present and future. God will provide–has provided in Jesus Christ–and will continue to use and bless you for His glory and eternal purpose.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart
And do not lean on your own understanding.
In all your ways acknowledge Him,
And He will make your paths straight. (Proverbs 3:5-6)