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Why the Term, “Victim?”

Using the word “victim” to describe an individual experiencing domestic abuse is, perhaps, a bit archaic. Old-fashioned. Politically incorrect. Or is it?

The choice of the word is intentional and sets itself up for discussion. What word would you use? Secular society chooses the word, “survivor.” The idea is that anyone who has suffered abuse successfully is not a victim because the word victim denotes weakness and subjugation. Surviving abuse is worthy of recognition. I don’t disagree.

The word, victim, as used in the book, Sanctuary: Hope and Help for Victims of Domestic Abuse, is a temporary term that applies to an individual suffering unjustly for a limited time in a specific setting. It is not a term of identity, worth, or prophecy.

Why not use the word, “survivor?” Because survivor comes with a t-shirt. Survival is a term of endurance and evident success, but the word, “victor” is so much more powerful. In Christ, and through the power of the gospel, a woman experiencing domestic abuse is not a victim. She is not merely a survivor. She is a victor.

But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ. (1 Corinthians 15:57)

Unjust Suffering

We are all familiar with suffering the consequences of making a poor decision. Children refuse to wear the clothing their parents tell them to and suffer as a result. We like to think that those who cheat, lie, steal, and hurt others will suffer the consequences of their behavior, but we don’t always see it. Is it really true? On the other hand, when women experience domestic violence, abusers tell them, “If only you’d _________, this wouldn’t have happened. It’s your own fault!” What a twisted reality!

That’s why the Bible is so vital to sorting out domestic abuse. It is the only source of absolute truth and God lays it out clearly:

The person who sins will die. The son will not bear the punishment for the father’s iniquity, nor will the father bear the punishment for the son’s iniquity; the righteousness of the righteous will be upon himself, and the wickedness of the wicked will be upon himself. (Ezekiel 18:20)

Violence is wrong. Manipulation, deceit, coercion, justification, and posturing are wrong. Using someone to get what you want–power, influence, control–is wrong. The person who lives this way will be held eternally accountable.

The key word is, “eternally.” We may or may not see the consequences now. Asaph saw the injustice of evil men: they were rich, sleek and fat, boasting in themselves and committing acts of violence. Life seemed easy and, somehow, they got away with it. But, Asaph, lamented, his life was uncertain, hard, and he struggled to do what was right. “Why?” he asks. “Why am I trying so hard? What’s the point?”

Then Asaph looked to God and gained a different perspective. This is not the final chapter. From where God sits, unquenchable, eternal judgement is on its way. We may or may not see it in this life, but it will come. In a moment the violent and arrogant will be cast down, tormented by fear and terror. Judgment will come swiftly, inescapably. It is an absolute certainty.

What does God have to say to those who suffer injustice? Asaph wrote these words of encouragement and hope for himself–and for us:

Nevertheless I am continually with You;
You have taken hold of my right hand.
With Your counsel You will guide me,
And afterward receive me to glory.

Whom have I in heaven but You?
And besides You, I desire nothing on earth.
My flesh and my heart may fail,
But God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.
For, behold, those who are far from You will perish;
You have destroyed all those who are unfaithful to You.
But as for me, the nearness of God is my good;
I have made the Lord God my refuge,
That I may tell of all Your works. (Psalm 73:23-28)

You can belong to God through faith in Jesus Christ,. When you cry out, He hears you. He sees your need and will see you through. Continue to cry out, trust and obey: tell others, ask for help from friends, the local church,  law enforcement and social services. Keep doing what is right, with your eyes on the long-term goal and your faith in the only One who is with you, in you, and empowering you to press on. Run to your Refuge and Sanctuary. He is steadfast, sure, and able.

Want to know more? Order your copy of Sanctuary: Hope and Help for Victims of Domestic Abuse. It’s here to help women and their churches see beyond the immediate and obvious to what’s behind and beyond.

Couldn’t Be!

A common response to the book, Sanctuary: Hope and Help for Victims of Domestic Abuse, from those who have never lived in an environment of domestic abuse is, “Wow. I’d never allow that.” Or, “What’s wrong with those women?”

For those outside the dynamic (by God’s grace), this type of thinking and speaking is called victim-blaming. It comes in many forms. I am guilty of it myself–and see it rearing its ugly head in the most unlikely places. The underlying message is, “It’s the victim’s fault (she ended up in that relationship, he treated her that way). If only she (left, fought back, walked out, etc), it wouldn’t have continued.”

There are a number of reasons that line of thinking is wrong. Here are a few:

  • Abuse is sin on the part of the abuser, not the victim. If you hit someone, you are guilty. If you degrade an individual, neglect, or use them, you are wrong.
  • The reason we attach blame to victims is because it creates a sense of safety. Once I have a list of what-not-to-do, I can simply avoid those things, thus avoiding an abuser. That is not true.
  • You. don’t. know. Even if you think you know what’s going on, you have no idea what happens behind closed doors: what mind games are in motion, which words are charged and have been reinforced with physical force or punishment, what a look or reference may communicate between two individuals. You cannot begin to understand the dynamic of domestic abuse until you have lived with those involved.
  • Control is the name of the game. Reputation is everything. Appearance is the running commodity. If you are questioning the victim’s integrity and character, the abuser has accomplished his goal. She has been compromised, and you are the reason why.

In looking for plausible reasons for abuse, begin with the abuser. The desire for power and control is never satisfied. “The greedy stir up conflict, but those who trust in the Lord will prosper.” Proverbs 28:25. Read The Heart of Domestic Abuse: Gospel Solutions for Men Who Use Control and Violence in the Home by Chris Moles along with Sanctuary: Hope and Help for Victims of Domestic Abuse for a biblical understanding of how to truly bring help and hope through the Person of Jesus Christ.

 

 

Fuzzy Brain

If you live in an environment of domestic abuse, you can expect to experience “fuzzy brain.” You be confused and forget the most obvious things: appointments, names, places, memories. Your thinking is further inhibited by lack of sleep, hyper-arousal, and unsettled emotions. No matter what your abuser (or your own mind) says, this is normal. Anyone facing the uncertainty and stress of living in a war zone has the same difficulty. These are common symptoms of PTSD. Fuzzy brain is especially frightening when you think about how confusion makes it difficult to protect yourself and/or your children.

How can you overcome fuzzy brain? Pray. Ask God for the ability to think clearly.  It may take practice. It might mean removing yourself from the abuser. It will take hard work and effort to focus your mind on God, especially in the middle of the war. But as you settle your mind and replace scattered thoughts with who God is you will find it easier. Isaiah wrote,  “You will keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on You: because he trusts in You” (Isaiah 26:3). God is able to deliver, rescue, provide peace and clarity of thought. He is with you. He knows what has happened, what is happening now, and what will happen in the future. And He does not encourage you to stay and fix the problem. Get help. If you are assaulted, press charges. Allow God to use what He has put in place for your protection.

As you do, pray, “God, I don’t know what’s going to happen or when, but You do. Help me remember that You are with me. Please be my strength and my song. Protect me. Give me the ability to think clearly and focus on what needs to be done so I can honor You. Amen.”

Get out paper and pencil, your planner or computer and strategically write down everything you’re trying to remember: appointments, thoughts, children’s activities and schedules, work hours, church events, to do’s, must do’s, want to’s. Get them out of your brain and on paper (or in a document). Continue praying, asking the Lord for direction and guidance as you make plans. Proverbs 16:3 says, “Commit your works to the Lord and your plans will be established.”

What problems are you trying to solve? Even if you don’t have an answer, write down each burden and pray, asking God to help. If you have a friend, older woman, or counseling advocate, ask for her help. As you’re able, write down specific, practical steps for when, where, and how to accomplish each task.

If you have the book, Sanctuary, you may benefit from completing the Clarifying Responsibility diagram by Paul Tripp (p. 60).

This is what it looks like to cry out for help. God hears and He will answer. The next step is to trust Him by doing what seems reasonable and best, to do what is right, and wait expectantly for His answer.

Fuzzy brain is a natural response to danger, a gift from God for your safety and protection. Don’t fight it, use it, by His grace and for His glory.

Do not fret because of evildoers,
Be not envious toward wrongdoers.
2 For they will wither quickly like the grass
And fade like the green herb.
3 Trust in the Lord and do good;
Dwell in the land and cultivate faithfulness.
4 Delight yourself in the Lord;
And He will give you the desires of your heart.
5 Commit your way to the Lord,
Trust also in Him, and He will do it.
6 He will bring forth your righteousness as the light
And your judgment as the noonday.

7 Rest in the Lord and wait patiently for Him;
Do not fret because of him who prospers in his way,
Because of the man who carries out wicked schemes.
8 Cease from anger and forsake wrath;
Do not fret; it leads only to evildoing.
9 For evildoers will be cut off,
But those who wait for the Lord, they will inherit the land.
10 Yet a little while and the wicked man will be no more;
And you will look carefully for his place and he will not be there.
11 But the humble will inherit the land
And will delight themselves in abundant prosperity.

12 The wicked plots against the righteous
And gnashes at him with his teeth.
13 The Lord laughs at him,
For He sees his day is coming.
14 The wicked have drawn the sword and bent their bow
To cast down the afflicted and the needy,
To slay those who are upright in conduct.
15 Their sword will enter their own heart,
And their bows will be broken.

16 Better is the little of the righteous
Than the abundance of many wicked.
17 For the arms of the wicked will be broken,
But the Lord sustains the righteous.
18 The Lord knows the days of the blameless,
And their inheritance will be forever.
19 They will not be ashamed in the time of evil,
And in the days of famine they will have abundance.
20 But the wicked will perish;
And the enemies of the Lord will be like the glory of the pastures,
They vanish—like smoke they vanish away.
21 The wicked borrows and does not pay back,
But the righteous is gracious and gives.
22 For those blessed by Him will inherit the land,
But those cursed by Him will be cut off.

23 The steps of a man are established by the Lord,
And He delights in his way.
24 When he falls, he will not be hurled headlong,
Because the Lord is the One who holds his hand.
25 I have been young and now I am old,
Yet I have not seen the righteous forsaken
Or his descendants begging bread.
26 All day long he is gracious and lends,
And his descendants are a blessing.

27 Depart from evil and do good,
So you will abide forever.
28 For the Lord loves justice
And does not forsake His godly ones;
They are preserved forever,
But the descendants of the wicked will be cut off.
29 The righteous will inherit the land
And dwell in it forever.
30 The mouth of the righteous utters wisdom,
And his tongue speaks justice.
31 The law of his God is in his heart;
His steps do not slip.
32 The wicked spies upon the righteous
And seeks to kill him.
33 The Lord will not leave him in his hand
Or let him be condemned when he is judged.
34 Wait for the Lord and keep His way,
And He will exalt you to inherit the land;
When the wicked are cut off, you will see it.

35 I have seen a wicked, violent man
Spreading himself like a luxuriant tree in its native soil.
36 Then he passed away, and lo, he was no more;
I sought for him, but he could not be found.
37 Mark the blameless man, and behold the upright;
For the man of peace will have a posterity.
38 But transgressors will be altogether destroyed;
The posterity of the wicked will be cut off.
39 But the salvation of the righteous is from the Lord;
He is their strength in time of trouble.
40 The Lord helps them and delivers them;
He delivers them from the wicked and saves them,
Because they take refuge in Him. (Psalm 37 NASB)

Who Knew?

Statistics reveal “1 in 3 women and 1 in 4 men have been victims of [some form of] physical violence by an intimate partner within their lifetime.” Today I am on call with the Family Resource Services as a medical advocate for domestic violence. It’s a reality, but a hidden one.

Few victims, if any, communicate the truth of their experience. When you have a bad day, how often do you dive into details? Especially if you’ve been misused and taken advantage of. To a close friend or spouse? Maybe. To someone you don’t know at all? Or whom you look up to? Probably not. Why? Because it’s embarrassing. Not only did you suffer injustice, you “let” it happen, and then you walked away as if it never happened.

The same is true for those who suffer domestic violence. To endure the pain, degradation, and intense hatred of someone who supposedly loves you is one thing. To say it aloud, to admit the horror, is to experience a new level of shame and risk. It happens. Has happened. And, honestly, it’s easy to understand why women don’t want to take the chance. Instead, they’ll say, “He knocked me around.” “It was just a tiff.” “We got in a little bit of a fight.” “It was nothing.”

And that’s exactly when those of us who can, should listen louder. Ask questions. Get more information. Hold our tongue. Believe. Be genuine. Love. Pray. Help.

All my longings lie open before you, Lord;
my sighing is not hidden from you.
My heart pounds, my strength fails me;
even the light has gone from my eyes.
My friends and companions avoid me because of my wounds;
my neighbors stay far away.
Those who want to kill me set their traps,
those who would harm me talk of my ruin;
all day long they scheme and lie.

I am like the deaf, who cannot hear,
like the mute, who cannot speak;
I have become like one who does not hear,
whose mouth can offer no reply.
Lord, I wait for you;
you will answer, Lord my God.

Those who repay my good with evil
lodge accusations against me,
though I seek only to do what is good.

Lord, do not forsake me;
do not be far from me, my God.
Come quickly to help me,
my Lord and my Savior. (Psalm 38:9-15, 20-22)

Not Me

Perhaps you’ve stopped in out of curiosity. You have a friend who….

Perhaps you are that friend. You know what’s happening between you and your husband or boyfriend is different than you’d imagined…something women don’t talk about. Your relationship is tense and dramatic sometimes. Other times it’s over the moon wonderful. It’s not always normal, but whose relationship is?

If you feel like you’re losing your mind, living a roller coaster, that your husband is one way at home and another in public, you’re in the right place. No one wants to admit to being mistreated, unappreciated, or taken advantage of–it’s humiliating enough in the moment. It’s excruciating to talk about or share with someone else.

But that’s where it starts: bring it into the open. Stop. Look at your situation. Study your relationship. Journal times, events, incidents and pray that God would give you eyes to see your situation the way He does. Read Psalm 139 and think about how God sees you; your life; your relationship. Ask for wisdom. Fall on His mercy and grace. Then reach out. Tell someone. If they don’t believe you, look for someone else. You. are. not. alone.

I will lift up my eyes to the mountains;
From where shall my help come?
2 My help comes from the Lord,
Who made heaven and earth.
3 He will not allow your foot to slip;
He who keeps you will not slumber.
4 Behold, He who keeps Israel
Will neither slumber nor sleep.

5 The Lord is your keeper;
The Lord is your shade on your right hand.
6 The sun will not smite you by day,
Nor the moon by night.
7 The Lord will protect you from all evil;
He will keep your soul.
8 The Lord will guard your going out and your coming in
From this time forth and forever. (Psalm 121)

Getting Started

The adventure has begun. The topic of domestic abuse–especially in our Christian churches–is often misunderstood and mismanaged. Women are confused, hurting, isolated, even angry–and are often told they are the problem.

The purpose of the website is to provide resources for women experiencing abuse in any form. It is also an opportunity for you to get to know me for ministry opportunities. Proverbs says, “A man’s heart plans his way, But the Lord directs his steps” (16:9). In that way, the Lord has directed my steps here–to writing a book and being available to speak at women’s events.

Use the contact page on the site for more information.