What if your abuse isn't about you? It's a farce. You're not at fault. You've done nothing wrong. You're not trying to be difficult, but the rules keep changing. Your whole sense of balance is off-kilter? What if? How would you know? This is how abusive relationships work. It's not a marriage issue. It's not … Continue reading When You’re Not the Problem
Looking for Help
The Nunya Zone
As you work through how to respond to an abusive husband, it is important to understand the Nunya Zone. It is discussed in more detail throughout the book, Sanctuary, but not by that name. Nunya is a term I use regularly in counseling sessions that refers to those things that are not my responsibility, as in … Continue reading The Nunya Zone
Fool Repellant
I grew up near Yellowstone National Park. One year a man was taken to the emergency room because he applied bear spray to himself instead of the bear. Repellent can be effective when applied properly. This passage could be described as Fool Repellent. Heartfelt responses to God's Word (or wisdom) are underlined, outcomes are in bold, … Continue reading Fool Repellant
Change
I've spent time with women in stinky relationships--and it's hard. Life is difficult. Unpredictable. Painful. Hopeful. Then heart-breaking, hope-shattering, disappointing. Because women in abuse relationships don't talk to others about the pain, shame, and abuse, they rarely hear what other women in similar situations say. If they did, they'd hear: "When everything is good, he's … Continue reading Change
Submissive Equality
Somehow we've gotten the idea that submission in marriage means everything. If a husband is displeased, it's because his wife isn't submitting. If the marriage is struggling, it's because she's not submitting "in everything." There a mistaken understanding that, because marriage represents Christ and the Church, the husband (representing Christ) is right and the wife … Continue reading Submissive Equality
Forgiveness without Reconciliation pt. 2
Forgiveness is costly. When Jesus prayed, "Father, forgive them, for they know not what they are doing," He was not providing a blanket forgiveness. He was petitioning His Father, willing to pay the price for their sin against Him. In the same way, Jesus took the punishment of my sin so I wouldn't have to. … Continue reading Forgiveness without Reconciliation pt. 2
Forgiveness without Reconciliation
I was recently asked what marriage to an abusive man would look like if he never changed--if he confessed and asked for forgiveness as manipulation. That's a hard question. What would it look like to live, willing to forgive, but unreconciled? Jesus said: “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall love your neighbor and … Continue reading Forgiveness without Reconciliation
Why the Term, “Victim?”
Using the word "victim" to describe an individual experiencing domestic abuse is, perhaps, a bit archaic. Old-fashioned. Politically incorrect. Or is it? The choice of the word is intentional and sets itself up for discussion. What word would you use? Secular society chooses the word, "survivor." The idea is that anyone who has suffered abuse … Continue reading Why the Term, “Victim?”
Fuzzy Brain
If you live in an environment of domestic abuse, you can expect to experience "fuzzy brain." You be confused and forget the most obvious things: appointments, names, places, memories. Your thinking is further inhibited by lack of sleep, hyper-arousal, and unsettled emotions. No matter what your abuser (or your own mind) says, this is normal. … Continue reading Fuzzy Brain
Not Me
Perhaps you've stopped in out of curiosity. You have a friend who.... Perhaps you are that friend. You know what's happening between you and your husband or boyfriend is different than you'd imagined...something women don't talk about. Your relationship is tense and dramatic sometimes. Other times it's over the moon wonderful. It's not always normal, … Continue reading Not Me
Seeking Sanctuary 